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 Yeah. Well, it d be weird if I wasn t, wouldn t it?
 It would.
Felinophobia, fear of cats.
Francophobia, fear of France.
Frigophobia, fear of the cold, or of things that are cold.
Eremophobia, fear of who you are.
What is the name of the phobia for being afraid of becoming a monster? What is the
name of losing who you are forever? Of your body changing so completely that you no
longer recognize your former self? Because that is the phobia that is tweezing through
me, plucking out all rational thought, all hope. Who am I going to be if I do this? Will I
be cruel? Stronger? Will I still be me? If my body changes will I still be Zara White?
 I ve been writing a book called How to Survive a Pixie Attack, I say. I lean my head
backward to rest against the wall.  Funny, huh?
 Funny why? His voice is hard and clear despite how close we are, despite the
bitterness that s in my own voice.
 Because if turns out I ll be telling people how to survive me.
When he doesn t respond I lift up my head so I can stare at his face. He s flushed.
 What is it? I ask.
 You are so scared that you are shaking.
 I think we should just do it, I blurt.  Just kiss me before it s too late to do any good.
 You sure?
I think about it, about what will happen to me. My humanity gone. My teeth no longer
the same.
Genuphobia, fear of knees.
Gephyrophobia or gephydrophobia or gephysrophobia, fear of crossing bridges.
Eremophobia, fear of who you are.
 You ll help me? I ask frantically.  When I come back? You ll help me so I m not a
monster like the ones who& like the ones that& I love Nick, I insist. My heart flutters
hopelessly in my chest. Tear threaten my eyes.
 Of course you do, he says softly, not quite a whisper really.
I say it again.  I m doing this because I love Nick.
 I know.
I bare my neck.  Okay, do it.
He laughs. He actually laughs.  That is not how it works. We are not vampires.
 So, where do you kiss me? This jerk pixie tried once. I can t remember what happened
really well, though.
 It is your lips. Not your neck.
I remember it now. Ian s face coming closer and closer. The evil in him was like this
gaseous substance in the air. He d broken my arm. He wanted to break me. I push the
memory out of my head and ask,  Will it hurt?
 Probably. You are meant 
Someone pounds on the door.  Security.
Astley springs up, muttering a curse.  We have to hide.
He motions for me to roll under the bed. He does too. His eyes are wide and haunted.
Above us dust bunnies mingle with metal springs.
The pounding comes again.  Security.
Astley holds a finger to his lips and then grabs my hand. We are terribly close under here
and I am super allergic to dust. My nose twitches. His eyes widen. A key card slides
through the lock mechanism.
 Glamour us, I whisper frantically,  Like when we re flying, so he doesn t see.
He cringes as if he can t believe he didn t think of it himself and then squeezes his eyes
shut for a second. I cross my fingers that it works.
Heavy shoes thud into the room. A security radio crackles. The closet door slides open.
The foot thuds become harder as the guard steps onto the bathroom s linoleum floor. My
nose explodes. I can t help it. I start to sneeze. Astley grabs my nose hard in his hands.
My ears pop. Pain ripples through my eyeballs, but there is no sound as the sneeze
shudders out of me.
Still, fingers appear at the end of the bed and the dust ruffle lifts. Two brown eyes and a
thin nose appear. If he reaches in he could touch our feet. I try to send the security guard
telepathic messages: Do not reach in. Do not reach in.
The ruffle drops back into place. The feet retreat into the hallway. The door slams shut.
I yank my head back to get my nose free.
 That was so close, I whisper.
His hands grab both sides of my face.  Are you sure you want to do this?
Nodding, I make the words come out.  I m sure.
 There is no going back, Zara. His fingers run down my cheeks, twining into my hair.
 I know.
His silver eyes are so close to mine. His breath touches the skin by my lips, just above
my lips, really.  Is your wolf worth this, Zara? Worth losing your humanity for?
 Yes, he is. I close my eyes, picture Nick and then Is, Gram, and Devyn. I even
imagine Cassidy and Callie and Giselle.  They all are.
My words rest in the air for a minute. We scramble out from beneath the bed and sit
there. My hands wait in my lap. My wrist is still bleeding. All that matters is that I buck
up enough to do this, and that I survive; survive to get Nick back, survive and maintain
my humanity too.
There is no failure allowed here.
And my fears? I ve just got to push them away. Astley smells like mushrooms and man.
He smells like the earth and the cold wind. I open my eyes for a second, but his face is so
close that it just kind of blurs.
 I m going to do it now. His lips are so near mine that they touch when he says the
words  going and  do .
My hand clenches into a fist. The blood seems to drip faster out of my wrist.
 Relax, Zara. It is far less dangerous if you relax. I promise.
He backs away a half inch or so. I can feel it. The air shifts. I swear I can feel his
longing, feel him trying to wait, to be strong.
 I feel like I m cheating on Nick, I blurt out.
 By kissing me?
I open my eyes.  Yes.
He has put his glamour back on. He s a handsome guy again. His nose crinkles a little
bit as he stares at me, trying to figure me out.  Do you think he s even going to love you
after this? Your wolf s a bit of a bigot.
 I was a bigot too.
 Not anymore.
I shrug.  I don t know. Bigotry isn t that straight and easy. It isn t there and then
suddenly gone. It s like a bad germ waiting to pounce and infect you even when you
think an antibiotic has eradicated it from your system. But that s not the point. What the
point is is Oh! Can we just do this?
Without thinking about it, I reach up and grab his face with my hands. I m not super
powerful because let s face it, one arm is hurt, the other arm is bleeding, but I manage to [ Pobierz całość w formacie PDF ]

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